By Caitlyn Dunn, LCSW
Word Count: 1829
Facing setbacks or roadblocks on our parenting journey is an inevitable part of life. Suppose we are covered in the cloak of perfectionism in motherhood; it makes this truth nearly impossible to embrace. Whether it’s constant guilt for not being able to do it all, feeling pulled in a million different directions at once, or feeling like you’re not doing it right, these obstacles can leave you feeling exhausted, drained, on edge, and burnt out. But here’s the good news: overcoming these challenges and finding peace is possible.
I remember one morning, trying to pack a perfect lunch for my daughter while also dealing with my son’s meltdown because his favorite shirt he wanted to wear was not clean. At that moment, I felt like I was failing at everything. But then I realized something – my kids don’t need a perfect mom. They need a happy, present, and loving one. Learning how to overcome perfectionism in motherhood can actually make you a happier and more relaxed mom.
In this blog post, we’ll explore how to overcome perfectionism in motherhood, empowering you to feel comfortable in your own skin and confident in the mother you want to be. Addressing and overcoming setbacks is crucial for our mental well-being. Our children’s mental health is directly correlated with our own. When we’re constantly feeling guilty, like we’re not enough or don’t know what we’re doing, it takes a toll on our mental health.
If you’re ready to embrace the journey towards overcoming perfectionism in motherhood, let’s dive in together and discover the guidance that will help you feel confident in your parenting and enjoy your children and family.
Debunking Common Misconceptions About Perfectionism
Let’s take a closer look at some common myths surrounding perfectionism and uncover the truths that will pave the way for your journey to overcoming it.
Myth #1: Perfectionism is about striving for excellence or being our best self
Many believe that perfectionism is a good thing because it’s striving to be your best self. However, the reality is that perfectionism is actually a defense mechanism. It protects the self by creating an illusion that if you do perfect, look perfect, and accomplish perfect, then you can avoid shame and judgment. But here’s the twist: striving for excellence or healthy striving is actually the opposite of perfectionism. It’s about growth and learning, not about shielding yourself from criticism. Your worth is not tied to your accomplishments, how many people like you, or what things look like from the outside. Remember, setbacks are not indicative of failure; they are opportunities for growth and improvement.
Myth #2: Perfectionism helps you achieve your goals and get better results
It’s often thought that if you have extremely high standards, you’ll always strive for excellence and be more successful. However, digging deeper reveals that impossibly high standards more often lead to failure than success and the perpetual feeling that you’re falling short. Perfectionists can actually spend an inordinate amount of time on each task, trying to get it perfect and procrastinating. This leads to burnout and means that tasks take much longer than they should, which adds unnecessary stress and pressure. Often, when we try to reach that impossibly high standard, we never do. And the myth that “we’re not good enough” continues perpetuating. Remember, your worth is not tied to your accomplishments.
Myth #3: Perfectionism is helpful
One prevalent myth is that perfectionism is helpful. From an early age, we get this message: we should be able to do everything effortlessly, never make mistakes, and always be our best. Perfectionism is an unrelenting standard that can never be met. It perpetuates an intolerance for errors and a belief that our worth as people depends on our accomplishments and appearances. Yet, a closer examination shows that perfectionism leads to burnout, exhaustion, and an emotional distance from our loved ones. Perfectionism can also be mentally paralyzing and tends to stifle creativity and out-of-the-box thinking. As perfectionists, we’re more interested in doing things “right” than innovating, learning, or taking chances. Remember that setbacks are temporary hurdles on your path to growth and resilience.
By debunking these misconceptions about perfectionism, you can begin to challenge the maintenance of this myth and empower yourself to rid yourself of this thinking and instead work towards healthy striving. Let’s explore further to uncover the guidance for overcoming this challenge and emerging stronger on the other side.
Understanding Perfectionism in Motherhood
Navigating the obstacles and barriers of motherhood can feel like a Herculean task. So much of motherhood is out of our control, and thinking that we can somehow strive for excellence or be perfect in motherhood often feels like a way to avoid the uncertainty and unknown. However, constantly striving to be perfect can leave us feeling inadequate, like we’re not good or doing enough. If you’re grappling with perfectionism in motherhood, know you’re not alone.
Any journey, especially one as complex as parenting, is not smooth sailing. You’re bound to hit obstacles. It may look like or seem like another parent has it all together, but trust me, no one has it all figured out. And there is no perfect schedule or one-size-fits-all approach to parenting. Motherhood is not easy, and that’s perfectly okay.
“Everything worth doing is hard. And the more worth doing it is, the harder it is. The greater the payoff, the greater the hardship.” -Alex Hormozi
When you feel the need to be perfect, begin by reflecting on the factors that may have contributed. It could stem from guilt, shame, not caring for yourself, or overwhelming stress. Recognizing these factors is the first step towards overcoming them.
The need to be the perfect parent often presents itself in various forms, each with unique challenges and implications. Maybe you feel like you have to bake the perfect cookies for the school bake sale, make sure your kids are dressed to the nines, ensure your home is always spotless, or perhaps you feel you should never lose your temper with your kids. Whatever form it takes, recognize that your experiences are valid and deserving of attention. It’s okay to struggle, and it’s okay to ask for help.
Setbacks may be exacerbated by external factors such as perfect images on social media, peer pressures, millions of activities, or even conflicts with your partner. These external influences can magnify feelings of inadequacy and make the obstacles feel insurmountable. They can cause you to question your abilities and worth as a mother.
In reality, perfectionism in motherhood is a common struggle that many moms face. It’s fueled by a desire to protect ourselves from judgment and shame that someone might see that I don’t actually know what I’m doing. However, using perfectionism as a coping strategy leaves us feeling even more stressed, inadequate, and isolated. The next section will explore practical strategies and techniques for overcoming this obstacle with resilience, confidence, and determination.
Strategies to Overcome Perfectionism in Motherhood
Now that we’ve explored the complexities of perfectionism and gained a deeper understanding of its underlying causes, it’s time to shift our focus. While it may feel like you’ll be a slave to perfectionism forever, there is hope. It takes consistent work, but practical tools and techniques are available to help you navigate them with confidence and resilience. Here are five ideas:
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Embrace “Good Enough” Parenting, or 80% is Perfect.
Perfectionism can make you feel like you must do everything perfectly, but “good enough” parenting is about meeting your child’s needs without striving for flawlessness. Identify one area where you can relax your standards, like letting your child dress themselves, even if their clothes don’t match. Celebrate the time and stress you save!
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Set Realistic Expectations
Unrealistic expectations lead to constant disappointment. Set smaller, more achievable goals to help you feel more accomplished and less stressed. Make a daily to-do list with only three tasks. Focus on completing these rather than overwhelming yourself with a long list.
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Delegate and Ask for Help
You don’t have to do everything yourself. Accepting help from others can lighten your load and reduce stress. Create a list of tasks you can delegate to your partner, family members, or friends. Start by asking for help with one task, like cooking dinner or watching the kids for 30 minutes.
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Practice Self-Compassion
Treat yourself with the same kindness and understanding you offer to others. Acknowledge that making mistakes is part of being human. Like and accept all parts of yourself. When you feel you’ve fallen short, write down three things you did well that day. Reflect on these positives to shift your focus from criticism to appreciation.
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Prioritize Self-Care
Taking care of yourself is crucial for effective parenting. When you’re well-rested and healthy, you can handle challenges more calmly. Schedule 30 minutes a day for an activity you enjoy, whether reading, exercising, resting, or listening to music you enjoy. Use this time to recharge without guilt.
By implementing these strategies, you can gradually overcome perfectionism in motherhood and embrace a more relaxed and fulfilling parenting journey. Remember, progress, not perfection, is the goal.
How Can Therapy Help You Overcome Perfectionism in Motherhood?
Therapy can be an invaluable resource for navigating obstacles and barriers, offering support and guidance as you work through challenges. Here’s how therapy can support you in overcoming perfectionism in motherhood:
- Identifying Root Causes: Therapy provides a safe space to explore the underlying factors contributing to your perfectionism, whether it’s past experiences, societal pressure, or internal beliefs.
- Developing Coping Strategies: A therapist can help you develop practical coping strategies to manage perfectionistic tendencies and navigate difficult situations with resilience and confidence.
- Challenging Unrealistic Beliefs: Through therapy, you can challenge and reframe unrealistic beliefs about motherhood and perfection, replacing them with more balanced and compassionate perspectives.
- Building Self-Compassion and Mindfulness: Therapy encourages the practice of self-compassion and mindfulness, fostering a deeper understanding and acceptance of yourself as a mother, flaws, and all.
- Providing Accountability in a Supportive, Nonjudgmental Environment: A therapist offers accountability and support as you work through perfectionism, providing a nonjudgmental space to explore your progress and setbacks.
Overall, therapy offers a safe and nurturing environment where you can gain insight and coping skills to overcome perfectionism and thrive in the trials and tribulations of motherhood. Remember, seeking support is not a sign of weakness but a courageous step towards healing and growth.
Navigating perfectionism alone can be daunting, but with the support of a therapist, you can learn to love and accept all parts of yourself, become more confident in your parenting abilities, and find greater peace in your journey through motherhood.
At Caitlyn Pearson-Dunn Counseling, specializing in early childhood development and motherhood, I use cognitive-behavioral practices, mindfulness, and compassionate acceptance to empower my clients to become their own therapists. You don’t have to handle perfectionism by yourself.
Click the button below to schedule a 45-minute free consultation. This will be the first step towards reclaiming your joy and confidence in motherhood.
